Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.
Towing the guy so fast he jack-knifed the truck.
Guys are on their way home after a hard day of pheasant hunting. They stop at a diner, sit down at a table and the waitress comes over and asks for their drinks. Two order cokes, one orders iced tea and one orders coffee. Waitress returns, sets the cold drinks down and coffee last. Coffee guy notices she had her middle finger in the coffee. She asks them if they want any appetizers. Wings around except for the coffee guy. He orders a cup of soup. Waitress returns, wings on the table, soup last. Coffee and soup guy notices she had the same finger in the soup. Appetizers delivered, waitress asks what entree?
Special for everyone but the coffee and soup guy. He's ready for a big bowl of chili. Waitress brings the food, same deal, finger in the chili. Guy finally asks, hey what's with the finger in the coffee, the soup and now the chili? She says "I got a boil on the tip of my finger and the doctor told me to keep it warm and moist". He says, "If that's the case, maybe you ought to stick it up your ass instead". She looks him straight in the eye and replies, "Oh, I do that too". He says "Oh yeah, when"? She says "every chance I get but mostly in between servings".
Watch closely for the viscous attack squirrel
The sad part is this is truly how bad the US media has got
Sick but funny.
A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult
to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks,
had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
I saw this meme, and somehow, Nancy Pelosi, popped into my head....
Note: Canada will no longer be accepting these immigrants (even if they are reason and/or mass "challenged" and, even if Trudeau is hot for them.)
ALLAH & THE 72 VIRGINS "
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his seventy-two virgins, as promised.
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah looked at him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the seventy-two virgins are here in Paradise because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly,you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep seventy-two women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?
On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass?"
Separate names with a comma.