Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each”
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”
Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"
"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney,Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T.Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
While on her way to visit an elderly shut in Sister Mary Elizabeth ran out of gas. She searched her car, and the only container she could find to put gas in was a bed pan that she had planned to use for the elderly woman. So, grabbing the bedpan, Sister Mary Elizabeth walked three blocks to nearest service station and filled the bedpan with gas. In the meantime three Baptist gentlemen had taken a seat on a park bench across the street from Sisters car. They watched her approach the car, then proceed to pour the contents of the bedpan into the gas tank. One of the Baptists looks at the other two and says, If it starts I`m turning Catholic.