A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here
and you're putting."
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied," The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when
we pray, we keep our head down."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron
standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her
hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his
ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between
two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
The man replied:" Got here in two, didn't I?
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
Sharon and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up.
"So, how was your evening last night, Sharon?"
"A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of sex, before rolling over and falling asleep, two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. Mike was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful!"
Meanwhile, Kevin and Mike were at the pub.
"So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?"
"Incredible! When I came home, Sharon had the food ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Leanne arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive, I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these friggin' candles, to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and ****ed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....just a total disaster!!"
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