Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.
Did a double take walking through the mall today.
Are those doulble guns?
The rifle is damn sure cheaper in the long run!
I missed this section of the Rigby shop last summer.
Yes they are... but what caliber?
Big enough to empty your bank account to the point of destitute...forever.
I see big bore, Double D
I understand .375 is the minimum but in this case I prefer the .40 caliber and up....well regulated is nice too...
This used to be me
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?" he asks.
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell.
How does Prince Andrew like his Whisky?
Just like he likes his women: Less than 18 years old and mixed with plenty of coke!
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.
One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.
Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”
“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.
“Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”
“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.
“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.
The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”
“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”
“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”
Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.
Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.
Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.
As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Joseph to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Joseph was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.
Joseph spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.
Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.
Joseph was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Joseph of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.
Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.
Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”
Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.
The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.
Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.
Separate names with a comma.