on a lighter note...

PARA45

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Arthur Morta

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Rustom about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Rustom advised her "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby Doobie dDoobies, I want bigger boobies!"
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement, she grew terrific D-cups!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovelies if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby Doobie, Doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. 'Rustom?'
'Yes, I am... How did you know?'
He winked and replied, "Hickory Dickory dock...."
 

Hogpatrol

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Guy's on his deathbed wants to pass at home. He's upstairs on the second floor and gets a whiff of his favorite, chocolate chip cookies. Salivating, he struggles out of bed and crawls down the stairs to the kitchen, reaches up to the dish of freshly baked cookies and promptly receives a slap on the hand from his wife's spatula. She says, "Don't touch them. They're for after the funeral".
 

Scott CWO

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You can retire to Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??


-OR-

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.


-OR-

You can retire to New York City where…

1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression


-OR-

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.


-OR-

You can retire to The Deep South where.

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!


-OR-

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail .


-OR-

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”


-OR-

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 

Hogpatrol

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^^^^^^
rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif
^^^^^^^
 
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Hogpatrol

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Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all.
They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell to Clarence, "if I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"
This went on for years.
Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, says, "now is your chance, Ole. Vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.
You know, vhen I yell at him from across the river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in."
 

Hogpatrol

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An oldie but what the hell, 455 pages, maybe someone hasn't read it.

On a flight to Detroit for an engineering convention, I was sitting next to an attractive middle aged woman. Looking over at my laptop, she expressed interest in what she saw on the screen, a graphic of man and woman constructing a small bridge across a stream. We got to talking and I asked her what brought her to Detroit. She replied that she was a doctor and also attending a convention only it was concerned with aging male sexual medical conditions. She was very sociable and soon were discussing the myths about male anatomy. She offered that the Native American men had the most stamina and the Jewish men were the most endowed. We talked the whole flight and got to know each other better so I thought I’d ask her if she wanted to share dinner and drinks after the day’s activities. She said that she was a recovering sex addict but a dinner and drink after the day long seminars might help her relax. She asked me my name. I told her it was Tonto Goldberg.
 

Hogpatrol

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Three Catholic high school seniors head to the church for their weekly confession. Jack goes in first and runs through the preliminaries before getting in to his sins. He tells the priest he's had relations with a female. The priest says "I see and asks, "Was it Olivia Cacciatore"? The boy replies "I can't say". The priest presses on and asks "Was it Brenda Johnson?" The boy replies "I can't say". Once again, the priest tries to get an answer. "Was it Mary Magilicuddy"? Again the boy replies "I told you I can't say who it was".
The session ends with the priest giving him his penance. He goes back to the pew where his buddies are waiting. They ask him what happened and what did he get. He replies, "Ten Our Fathers, ten Hail Marys and three good leads".
 

spike.t

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spike.t

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spike.t

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spike.t

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spike.t

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spike.t

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Rifle57 wrote on Rimshot's profile.
I bought some bullets from Rimshot and he is good to trade with!
Greetings all! I've been a hunter for 50 years, but only now planning a trip to Africa. I was fortunate and successfully bid on a couple hunts for plains game in SA later this year and next. Also a rare Native Texas (5th generation) and USMC Vet. Hunt safe y'all!
uujm wrote on trg's profile.
I am looking for a Safari Express. Was yours made in New Haven or South Carolina? Any other details you can give me? I am very motivated to buy.
pimes wrote on flatwater bill's profile.
Hello Bill - can you tell me that landowner/ranch/outfitter - Thank you!
Pete0905 wrote on damundsen87's profile.
Hello
Is the Khales 1-6 still for sale?
Thanks
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