Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

[Erny]

Did you know that when Chuck Norris was asked how many push up he could do... He replied all of them.

 

[LivingTheDream]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

 

[Erny]

Did you know that when Alexander Gram Bell invented the telephone he had already missed two calls from Chuck Norris.

 

[Erny]

Did you know that Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

 

[hnterfl]

Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.

 

[hnterfl]

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

[hnterfl]

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

 

[hnterfl]

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

[Jody]

Ok. Time I get in on this too, the only funny thing I can think of is me on the dating scene again. If I were to win this I might be hunting a new wife.

 

[James.Grage]

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen.

And I could just have his motorcycle.

 

[James.Grage]

A couple of guys, very much Of Mice and Men, get a job working at a ranch.

On the ranch, there's a beautiful girl, the daughter of the man who owns the ranch. She comes out every day, gets on her horse, takes the horse for a ride, comes back, goes in the house.

The big guy says to the little guy, "I want to talk to her. How do I talk to her?" Little guy says, "Tell you what you do—it's easy: Paint one of her horse's legs green, she'll talk to you." The big guy paints one of the horse's legs green. She comes out, she looks beautiful in her riding outfit, goes out for her ride, comes back, goes into the house, doesn't say a word.

Big guy says, "You lie to me, she not say anything!" Little guy says, "All right, paint all of the horse's legs green, she'll talk to you." Big guys says, "All right. I do that, you better be right." So he paints all four of the horse's legs green, and she comes out in an even more beautiful riding outfit, she looks amazing, she goes for a ride, comes back, goes in the house, doesn't say a word.

Big guy says, "I'm going to hurt you, you lie to me, make a fool of me." And the little guy goes, "Okay, you paint the whole horse green and you can beat the crap out of me if she doesn't talk to you." Big guy stays up all night. Two coats on the horse—the horse is completely green. She comes out in her riding outfit looking gorgeous, she looks at the horse, and she says, "Why is my horse painted green?"

The big guy responds: "You wanna fuck?"

 

[Erny]

Shade is where you find it in Africa!

 

[Rob404]

O Hara's Bar
A man Approaches the only other customer in the bars and says
will you stand me a drink
sure the other customers says
by the way,were are you from
I'm from Ireland comes the reply
The hell you say ,I'm from Ireland myself
You don't say is his reply
yes i was born In Dublin
My god so was I
So then tell me what school you went to
I attended St Marys
St Marys By God So did I
Just then another Patron walks into the bar and asks The Bartender
Hey Paddy anything going on around here tonight
Nah Replies the Bartender but the O'Malley Brothers are Drunk again

 

[Excessexpress]

The following actually happened. If I should be successful I will invite the man in the story to attend. Extra bonus, he won't really want to be just an "observer".

A man parked his car in a city street. He was not just any man, but a keen deer hunter.

He had hunted deer most of his life, part owned a property with deer on it and in his highly successful business career had always kept his interest going, including representing several deer and hunting organisations.

His thoughts were on business as he stepped from his car and onto the kerb, when he was interrupted by a voice, a nagging, annoying voice. He found it came from a slight, grey haired woman, who was calling him "a disgusting man".

Now this grabbed our man's attention. He had always felt he conducted himself well, respecting others and refraining from over reaching in his business dealings, but although he had negotiated some tough terms, he'd never been called such a thing.

"I'm sorry ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"

"That number plate, it's a disgrace and shouldn't be allowed."

Our man was taken aback, he was such a keen deer man, he had acquired a personalised number plate in the letters CERVUS, which keen deer hunters know is the latin name of the genus of most deer species. He was puzzled as to why the woman was so upset.....

"Er, what's wrong with it?"

"It's disgusting and shouldn't be on public display like that",

Our man was now thoroughly confused, he asked her;

"It's the Latin word for deer, how is that wrong?"

"No it's not, it's the plural of CERVIX"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

 

[HunterMarkus]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

 

[HunterMarkus]

AA stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
- 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

 

[HunterMarkus]

A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

 

[Silence]

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."