on a lighter note...

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.

  1. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  2. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  3. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  4. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  5. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  6. BRICKBURN

    BRICKBURN AH ENABLER SUPER MODERATOR CONTRIBUTOR LIFETIME TITANIUM BENEFACTOR AH Ambassador

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    BOOK: Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    These are from a book called “Disorder in the Courts”! Hilarious!
     

  7. Spooksar

    Spooksar AH Fanatic

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    The sad part is all these genius lawyers are no Judges in Canada
     
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  8. Mr. 16 gauge

    Mr. 16 gauge AH Fanatic

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    I would guess that if I were driving a visually impaired person through a drive through, I could READ them the menu, and a braille menu would not be needed.......unless, of course, the driver couldn't read.....and in that case the braille sign would be moot as well.
     
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  9. Mr. 16 gauge

    Mr. 16 gauge AH Fanatic

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    WAB and norfolk shooter like this.

  10. Bushpig4Ever

    Bushpig4Ever AH Veteran

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  11. JPbowhunter

    JPbowhunter AH Fanatic

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  12. BigJohnx13

    BigJohnx13 AH Veteran

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    Blame everything except the shooter

     

  13. ArmyGrunt

    ArmyGrunt AH Elite

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  14. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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  15. Hoas

    Hoas AH Fanatic

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  16. Brent in Az

    Brent in Az SILVER SUPPORTER AH Elite

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  17. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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    :sneaky:
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  18. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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  19. Von Gruff

    Von Gruff GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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  20. Llywelyn

    Llywelyn New Member

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    An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

    “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

    The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

    I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

    “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
     

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