Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.
What a smart child.
Helped out with shopping today. I saw this. Apparently they don't waste much of the pig!!
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop!
Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect.
That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were...
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.
We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
A very handsome man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret?
He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want. What's going on?”
“Well,” the bartender replied, “I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...”
Three bikers were sitting in a biker bar. An old, grizzled biker came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the three men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway… buck naked. Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker looked down into his beer and still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk!
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," said Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," said Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunted Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you get lost you little asshole? I'm trying to take a dump here!"
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Finally, it was Little Johnny's turn.
"Well ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a Navy pilot during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a knife.
As she descended in the parachute, Aunt Marge realized the bottle would probably break, so she drank the whole bottle of whiskey on the way down.
Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She shot and killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the knife till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious.
She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV?
You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started ...'
Separate names with a comma.