on a lighter note...

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.

  1. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    VEGETARIAN:
    ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

    I WAS DRINKING AT A BAR SO I TOOK A BUS HOME. THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL TO YOU, BUT I'VE NEVER DRIVEN A BUS BEFORE.

    I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK..."REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

    I THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

    A WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.

    RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

    I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD; I'M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

    WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?

    BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

    INSTEAD OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".

    PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

    IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

    MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

    SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

    CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

    IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

    IF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, WHY DO CHURCHES BEG FOR IT?
     
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  2. EricB

    EricB AH Member

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    AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

    AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"



    THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."



    A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.



    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.



    THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

    THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.



    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.



    THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"



    THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.



    THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:



    1 - Never be arrogant.

    2 - Don't waste ammunition.

    3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

    4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

    5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.





    IMG_4934.jpg
     

  3. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Another Samsung victim only his phone didn't explode. His wife figured out the password. password_phone.jpg
     
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  4. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    image(70).jpg
     

  5. Timbo

    Timbo AH Fanatic

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  6. Rob404

    Rob404 AH ENABLER BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    1552274103706.jpg
     

  7. Rob404

    Rob404 AH ENABLER BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Legend

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  8. ArmyGrunt

    ArmyGrunt AH Elite

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  9. Bullthrower338

    Bullthrower338 AH ENABLER AH Legend

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    I wouldn’t let those horse teeth anywhere near me, unless I needed to be chewed out of a wood holding cell!
     
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  10. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    IMG_1468.jpg
     
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  11. Tom Hawk

    Tom Hawk AH Enthusiast

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  12. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    image(71).jpg
     
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  13. lwaters

    lwaters BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Elite

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    Rough night Screenshot_20190312-140954.jpeg
     
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  14. Wheels

    Wheels AH ENABLER AH Legend

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    Really interesting dynamic.

    Kissing a faux guy, whose name is Guy Fawkes
     
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  15. Bushpig4Ever

    Bushpig4Ever AH Enthusiast

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  16. Brent in Az

    Brent in Az SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Been there! 53194190_2364959877081622_3342724960022953984_n.jpeg
     
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  17. ArmyGrunt

    ArmyGrunt AH Elite

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    Dear Mike, see the attached... Screenshot_20190313-183040_Google.jpeg
     

  18. Hogpatrol

    Hogpatrol AH ENABLER SILVER SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Definitions of "OLD"

    #1
    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
    She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"


    And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".

    #2
    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow & asked,
    "How old was your husband?"
    "98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
    "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
    She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

    #3
    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    "And what do you think is the best thing
    About being 104?" the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

    #4
    I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet & my teeth
    I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    New knees, fought prostate cancer & diabetes
    I'm half blind,
    Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    Take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, & subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts w/ dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    Hardly feel my hands & feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.

    #5
    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    So I got my doctor's permission to
    Join a fitness club & start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up & down, & perspired for an hour. But,
    By the time I got my leotards on,
    The class was over.

    #6
    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will & told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, & second,
    She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
    "Why Wal-Mart?"
    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

    #7
    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    #8
    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    #9
    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    As your coffee maker.

    #10
    These days about half the stuff
    In my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'

    #11
    THE SENILITY PRAYER :

    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    The good fortune to run into the ones I do, &
    The eyesight to tell the difference.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019
    Rob404, Tom Hawk, jeff and 1 other person like this.

  19. cpr0312

    cpr0312 AH ENABLER AH Ambassador

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    FB_IMG_1552528173754.jpg
     
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  20. observe

    observe AH ENABLER CONTRIBUTOR AH Legend

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