Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by observe, Mar 28, 2013.
Danger zone for bear attacks
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round of golf.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".
Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf.
She said, “Be sure to take a sweater”
Bud the Cowboy...
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas,
when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan®
sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing
herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his
Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an
ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet®
printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called
you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions
of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a
herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM...
I guess that makes it easy for even stupid people to understand
About sums it up!
It's also an alligator...
Bill was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Very Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Might be a repeat, still funny.
Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon, were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick's Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Paddy stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Paddy says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'
Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "aiming devices" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade. "No ma'am he replied, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
Are you a geek or nerd? And other important stuff explained.
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit
her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Even Longer Pause..............
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'
'No, I think you have the wrong number'.........
Separate names with a comma.