Eco-Charlatans’ Festival of Flatulence COUNTRY SQUIRE MAGAZINE
BY JOHN NASH A small queef of excitement has crept into the Westminster Asylum, that island reserve where the rare creatures of Homo politicus vulgaris live in splendid and well-appointed isolation…
countrysquire.co.uk
BY JOHN NASH
A small queef of excitement has crept into the Westminster Asylum, that island reserve where the rare creatures of Homo politicus vulgaris live in splendid and well-appointed isolation. A sub-species among them, H. politicus tetraodontiformicus, known as ‘Westminster Greenies’, are in a state of near hysteria. Fascinating and easily identified by their piscatorial aroma, they are related to the puffer and blow fishes, and they rather oddly inflate themselves with methane whenever a member of the public or a TV camera is nearby.
The Westminster Greenies are presently even more excited than a pre-school, tartrazine-fuelled birthday party because a v.v. important annual event is now happening for them. Culturally, they are an innocent but enchanting cargo cult who believe, like some uncontacted Melanesian tribe, that a magic ship will one day arrive in a form of divine intervention, bringing them fame and fortune, ushering in a paradise-like existence where they, isolated in their bubble house on the Thames, will, by the same magic, save the world’s wild animals, especially all the exotic, charismatic, photogenic and fluffy ones.
Dear Readers, brace yourself for a tiny impact – a ship of great promise has returned again this year, as it does every year, but again, it is not a divine intervention – it is the same old imposter, a freshly repainted ship of fools that is, as you read these very words, in London, ploughing without regard across the bows of His Majesty’s Ark of State, firing broadsides of excrement in all directions, all the time laying a bigger smokescreen than an electric Chinese 4 x 4 with its zero-pollution batteries on fire. The Greenies are already responding to the arrival, rapidly becoming euphoric as they inhale its methane with the enthusiasm of hippie crack at Glasto.
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