The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Become An Evil Overlord

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by Kiwi505, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. Kiwi505

    Kiwi505 AH Veteran

    Aug 18, 2010
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    Member of:
    Terrace Rod and Gun Club
    Canada, New Zealand
    The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever
    Become An Evil Overlord

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas
    visors, not face-concealing ones.

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
    the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
    Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
    applies to the object which is my one weakness.

    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing

    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
    kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
    say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then
    say "No."

    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
    three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
    carried out.

    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
    labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
    Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
    enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
    clearly be labeled as such.

    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
    need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving
    my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
    flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
    rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
    bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
    any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
    aforementioned disposal.

    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
    any other form of last request.

    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
    find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
    activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
    his plan into operation.

    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
    just one thing I want to know."

    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
    their advice.

    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
    attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
    distraction at a crucial point in time.

    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
    evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
    her own father.

    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge
    in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
    unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
    adjust to accordingly.

    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
    uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
    knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot
    soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and
    I want my troops to have a more positive

    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
    I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
    troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to
    neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
    energy weapons useless my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
    savages armed with spears and rocks.

    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, I
    will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
    (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
    sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
    small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
    there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
    kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner
    sent to my bedchamber.

    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
    systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For
    the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
    weapons at all times.

    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
    cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
    enemies into confusion.

    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My
    foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
    source of comic relief.

    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
    with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcements and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
    bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers
    are hard to come by.

    33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization
    to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
    casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
    leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
    Generation X.

    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
    block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
    will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
    handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
    losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted

    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
    offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
    immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
    feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
    at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
    opposite number among his army.

    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
    unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as
    possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-
    travel devices.

    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
    of untying ropes and fetching keys happens to follow him around.

    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture
    the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
    good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
    in on my plans.

    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
    work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
    the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
    responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general
    screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here
    is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random

    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
    one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me,
    I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
    for him to mature.

    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
    technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever
    broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
    me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
    send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want- Ad in
    the local paper.

    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
    that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh

    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
    transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors
    to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
    abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

    53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
    you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill

    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
    place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
    important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
    first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
    attract less attention.

    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
    who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used
    for target practice.

    57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
    carefully read the owner's manual.

    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
    dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher
    any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
    seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
    scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies

    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
    structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a

    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
    And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
    going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
    extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could
    prove to be a disadvantage.

    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available
    terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
    clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
    Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
    Sewage Overflow Containment.

    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.
    Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the
    pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating
    that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will
    be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
    full-scale emergency.

    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.
    This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However,
    the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them
    again, they'd better save my life again.

    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
    delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
    foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures
    of the wild.

    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will
    always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so
    that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
    other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
    instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
    should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
    marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
    and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead
    of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
    contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them
    to win.

    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
    that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
    will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top
    of my desk.

    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en
    masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off
    and attack one or two at a time.

    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
    struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will
    also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
    rope- bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth

    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the
    hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will
    retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is
    out of earshot before making the offer.

    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
    alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is
    reasonably practical."

    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
    soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
    limited-edition commemorative coins.

    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out
    my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger
    ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform such as a
    train, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he
    glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of
    quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
    front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced

    83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
    then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks
    for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch
    with him.

    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
    opposite sex.

    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
    complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar
    then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead
    it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
    properly grounded.

    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
    Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
    berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the
    task again.

    89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately
    disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever
    holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon
    and I took it from him.

    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
    is facing away from the door.

    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
    obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
    entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
    Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
    insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
    alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
    to the path of righteousness (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this

    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
    underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero
    is scheduled to go first.

    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
    and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
    with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his
    cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a
    trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
    panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel
    on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
    reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
    monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate,
    I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them
    together against their will and they spend all their time bickering
    and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions
    when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are
    hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in

    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
    trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet

  2. monish

    monish AH Elite

    Sep 3, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Member of:
    Tanzania, Nepal, Canada,

    YEAH !!!! great one ............


  3. ECHIV

    ECHIV AH Member

    Dec 25, 2009
    Likes Received:
    Member of:
    currently none, formerly NRA, DU, NAHC
    Alaska, Texas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Kansas
    After all, an evil overlord is nothing if not obsessive compulsive about the details.

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