gillettehunter
AH legend
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
The neighbor chuckles to himself,"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?".
Johnny replied, "That's because your damn cat ate him!"
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down
and cried.
AT school one day the subject was excitment:
the teacher asked if someone could come write a word on the blackboard that had something to do with excitement.
Little Sally came and wrote FIRETRUCK.... and everyone agreed that there was excitement around firetrucks.
Bobby wrote AMBULANCE on the board, and everyone understood and agreed.
Little Johnny came up and drew three big dots on the blackboard.
Everyone stared and could not understand the meaning, so the teacher asked johnny to explain the correlation to EXCITEMENT:
Little Johnny said ... 'well teach, I don;t much understand it either'.... but my sister came home yesterday from school and at the dinner table said that she had missed three periods, well right away momma fainted, dad crapped his breeches and the hired hand shot himself.....
Little Johnny walks into the pharmacy with his younger brother Joey.
They search the isles, locate what they're looking for and head to the counter.
The pharmacist, looking at the box of tampons Johnny presented to him, asks "young man, do you know what these are for?"
Johnny says "no sir, sure don't. But the commercials say you can swim and ride bikes with them, and well, Joey here can't do neither!"
Teacher said to her students, "For today's lesson, I'd like, when I call on you, for you to say what your father does for a living, and then spell that occupation". It was slow to start, but little Mary finally raised her hand and said, My father is a Banker, that's B-a-n-k-e-r. Good Mary, that's exactly how I wanted this to work, said the teacher. Next Billy said, my dad is a policeman. and that's P-o-l-i-c-e-m-a-n. "Oh you kids are so bright", said the teacher. Next, Jimmy said, "My Dad is a lawyer, that's L-a-w-y-e-r. Next was a little kid named Jamal, and he said "My father is a Chiropractor". That's K-y-r-o, "no that ain't right, let me start over. That's C-h-y-r-o. No that ain't right either" . The teacher could see that Jamal was struggling, so she said "Jamal, you keep thinking about how to spell that, and let me know when you get it". Meanwhile she knew the only one she hadn't called on was Little Johnny, and he was waving his hand frantically. So, she had no choice. "Johnny. it's your turn", said the teacher. Johnny jumped up and said, "My Dad is a Bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and he'd give 10 to 1 odds that Jamal ain't never gonna spell Chiropractor".
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
The neighbor chuckles to himself,"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?".
Johnny replied, "That's because your damn cat ate him!"
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down
and cried.
AT school one day the subject was excitment:
the teacher asked if someone could come write a word on the blackboard that had something to do with excitement.
Little Sally came and wrote FIRETRUCK.... and everyone agreed that there was excitement around firetrucks.
Bobby wrote AMBULANCE on the board, and everyone understood and agreed.
Little Johnny came up and drew three big dots on the blackboard.
Everyone stared and could not understand the meaning, so the teacher asked johnny to explain the correlation to EXCITEMENT:
Little Johnny said ... 'well teach, I don;t much understand it either'.... but my sister came home yesterday from school and at the dinner table said that she had missed three periods, well right away momma fainted, dad crapped his breeches and the hired hand shot himself.....
Little Johnny walks into the pharmacy with his younger brother Joey.
They search the isles, locate what they're looking for and head to the counter.
The pharmacist, looking at the box of tampons Johnny presented to him, asks "young man, do you know what these are for?"
Johnny says "no sir, sure don't. But the commercials say you can swim and ride bikes with them, and well, Joey here can't do neither!"
Teacher said to her students, "For today's lesson, I'd like, when I call on you, for you to say what your father does for a living, and then spell that occupation". It was slow to start, but little Mary finally raised her hand and said, My father is a Banker, that's B-a-n-k-e-r. Good Mary, that's exactly how I wanted this to work, said the teacher. Next Billy said, my dad is a policeman. and that's P-o-l-i-c-e-m-a-n. "Oh you kids are so bright", said the teacher. Next, Jimmy said, "My Dad is a lawyer, that's L-a-w-y-e-r. Next was a little kid named Jamal, and he said "My father is a Chiropractor". That's K-y-r-o, "no that ain't right, let me start over. That's C-h-y-r-o. No that ain't right either" . The teacher could see that Jamal was struggling, so she said "Jamal, you keep thinking about how to spell that, and let me know when you get it". Meanwhile she knew the only one she hadn't called on was Little Johnny, and he was waving his hand frantically. So, she had no choice. "Johnny. it's your turn", said the teacher. Johnny jumped up and said, "My Dad is a Bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and he'd give 10 to 1 odds that Jamal ain't never gonna spell Chiropractor".
