gillettehunter
AH legend
You may not laugh at all of them, but you'll enjoy some of them. Bruce
Q. Why is Santa so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q. How is Christmas just like your job?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist
stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
excuse to drink too much, make a lot of promises, and then start breaking
them as soon as you wake up the next morning. For men, that's just called
a date.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Coming towards Christmas a father gets out of work and on his way home he
suddenly remembers that his daughter asked Santa for a Barbie for
Christmas.
He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales
person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out
Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95,Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car,
Ken's house, Ken's boat,
Ken's furniture, Ken's computer,
one of Ken's friends, and a key chain
made with Ken's balls.
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get
laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not to me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........ Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND
He said....... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?
He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. Why is Santa so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q. How is Christmas just like your job?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist
stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
excuse to drink too much, make a lot of promises, and then start breaking
them as soon as you wake up the next morning. For men, that's just called
a date.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Coming towards Christmas a father gets out of work and on his way home he
suddenly remembers that his daughter asked Santa for a Barbie for
Christmas.
He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales
person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out
Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95,Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's car,
Ken's house, Ken's boat,
Ken's furniture, Ken's computer,
one of Ken's friends, and a key chain
made with Ken's balls.
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get
laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not to me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........ Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male........ Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND
He said....... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said.... You wear pants, don't you?
He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
