Firebird
AH legend
I know this is an Africa Hunting forum so please forgive me some non hunting levity. The flollowong events are mostly true and the intent is to share a laugh.
Some years ago my wife and I were watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation-there is the Lingerie scene with “Mary” we easily remember and later where Clark stuffs a pair of something sexy into the boughs of the tree. My wife started the jabs about me being too big a sissy to pull off either of those stunts. “Such a big tough man, too scared to buy a
Teensy tiny pair of underwear from a very helpful pretty little sales girl!” “Chicken!”
She is right. I’m a coward at the lingerie counter. I tried before Christmas-I really did. Walked big and tough into Victoria’s Secret and started digging around for just the right stuff. Not sure what I was holding at the time when a girls voice spouted off “hey brother John, how are you doing?” Seriously! A teenage girl from church! I know it isn’t wrong but I felt like I was caught red handed buying dark alley heroin. Probably looked bad when I dropped stuff and ran away. . . Foolishly I admitted my shame to my wife-didn’t want the church kid to blackmail me later. My wife’s teasing intensified. “Cluck, cluck cluck!” “Seriously, a former college defensive nose guard embarrassed by little old Avery Griffith- what does she weigh like 65 pounds? She wasn’t embarrassed to see you, why were you embarrassed to see her? What were you trying to buy that was so terrifying anyway!?”
There was more but I’ve blacked it out.
To make matters worse my fist wife was actually a lingerie model. So my current wife never lets that go “did she look better in this than I do?” Probably smaller and she could make money wearing it-“ “I bet you would buy her something hot!” There isn’t anything a man can say to win these beatdowns.
One time we were walking past Victoria’s store and my wife said “c’mon knuckle dragger, let’s go find you a birthday present.” I wanted to die. Everything she picked up she would hold high and act like she was trying to view it in better lighting. She aimed for sizes with tags that were extra big just to fit all the extra XL’s on them! When that didn’t kill me outright, she went the other direction, stuff
So small the tag was bigger than the string it was attached to. I might be willing to fight a T. rex but a lamb in a bright red thong could have knocked me over with a smile that day.
Valentines means food to me. All the candy and desserts and we will go to a steak house for dinner-I love it all. I can buy flowers-no problem-I’ll even deliver them in person. But this year, this year men and brethren, I determined to buy women’s underwear.
(For a woman, my wife, not for me, I mean they are but I’m not gonna wear em)
I did more planning than that old green grinch prior to ruining Christmas. I gathered size intel from my wife’s current stock, I went on-line. I tried to buy on-line, but I couldn’t ship it to my house-that woman would see the package before I did. Google Maps showed me the nearest store. I planned a day she would be at work and a time the local teenage monsters would be in school. I went early, before the store would be busy.
I figure my wife has had four babies, been married to me for over twenty years and still tries to look great every day of her life. The least I could do is to man the heck up and show her that I still think she is sexy, I still love
Her and I’m glad she is my wife.
Not that icky, old ex wife panty model that the crazy hot matrix describes so perfectly. . .
I went to the mall. I went to the store. I got cold feet. Not kidding, I was looking for the right thingy and an elderly Asian woman reached right in front me and snagged something before I worked up the courage to touch it! She did it twice! I swear she was following me! Man I have been to Africa, I have looked Black Death in the eye. I had fun on those days! I’m scared of elephants and will never face one but thats another story. But standing in Vic’s secret I got sweaty palms, my knees shook, my mouth was dry, my hair was turning white in patches. I was chickening out. And then, an ugly girl with at least a dozen facial piercings came to my rescue. Not normal piercing either, the kind that go into the bone, not the cute little nose rings, noooo way, she had one the interfered with her eye being able to blink! She had butch hair with beads twisted into it. She was short, thick and wearing knee high boots over her jeans. She had black leather fingerless gloves on-she was more intimidating than tiny underwear that say “slippery when wet” on them! Then she spoke-“can I help you find something sir?” I responded by blurting out that I was not a creepy old pervert. She smiled-I handed her my phone with the pictures of exactly what I wanted. I told her the sizes I wanted-she led me to a drawer and began stirring around for the right color things in the right sizes. Then another girl asked her to help with a customer that didn’t speak English. “My” salesgirl left and the new girl stepped in. Corn silk hair, blue eyes, tall and lithe, shit, now I was in trouble. She was good, picked up right where mbogo left off. Then it happened. Her baggy sweater that hung off one shoulder dropped much too low exposing her entire bra. Ima gentleman, I stared into space, I pretended I never saw it. “Is this the one sir?” I looked down where she was kneeling. Hard to answer with desert mouth. Umm, I, derrrr, uhhhh-“are you ok sir?” Well, ma’am your sweater has come down and. . . I can see your-
“Oh, that’s th style now. Off the shoulder sweaters but a pretty bra, doesn’t show your cleavage or your boobs, just a cool bra.”
Well I’ll be darned. . . Hers was cream colored with little flowers on it. It was very pretty.
So she found what I was after and suggested a matching pair of silk pajamas-I did like that idea as well as another suggestion she had. I dropped $300 pretty easily, and I didn’t feel like the salesgirl had conned me either. I walked out of there a confident happy man carrying a pink and white sack stuffed with pink tissue paper like a purse! Like a Boss!
Happy Valentienes Day to all and I hope your wives buy you ammo instead of flowers!
Some years ago my wife and I were watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation-there is the Lingerie scene with “Mary” we easily remember and later where Clark stuffs a pair of something sexy into the boughs of the tree. My wife started the jabs about me being too big a sissy to pull off either of those stunts. “Such a big tough man, too scared to buy a
Teensy tiny pair of underwear from a very helpful pretty little sales girl!” “Chicken!”
She is right. I’m a coward at the lingerie counter. I tried before Christmas-I really did. Walked big and tough into Victoria’s Secret and started digging around for just the right stuff. Not sure what I was holding at the time when a girls voice spouted off “hey brother John, how are you doing?” Seriously! A teenage girl from church! I know it isn’t wrong but I felt like I was caught red handed buying dark alley heroin. Probably looked bad when I dropped stuff and ran away. . . Foolishly I admitted my shame to my wife-didn’t want the church kid to blackmail me later. My wife’s teasing intensified. “Cluck, cluck cluck!” “Seriously, a former college defensive nose guard embarrassed by little old Avery Griffith- what does she weigh like 65 pounds? She wasn’t embarrassed to see you, why were you embarrassed to see her? What were you trying to buy that was so terrifying anyway!?”
There was more but I’ve blacked it out.
To make matters worse my fist wife was actually a lingerie model. So my current wife never lets that go “did she look better in this than I do?” Probably smaller and she could make money wearing it-“ “I bet you would buy her something hot!” There isn’t anything a man can say to win these beatdowns.
One time we were walking past Victoria’s store and my wife said “c’mon knuckle dragger, let’s go find you a birthday present.” I wanted to die. Everything she picked up she would hold high and act like she was trying to view it in better lighting. She aimed for sizes with tags that were extra big just to fit all the extra XL’s on them! When that didn’t kill me outright, she went the other direction, stuff
So small the tag was bigger than the string it was attached to. I might be willing to fight a T. rex but a lamb in a bright red thong could have knocked me over with a smile that day.
Valentines means food to me. All the candy and desserts and we will go to a steak house for dinner-I love it all. I can buy flowers-no problem-I’ll even deliver them in person. But this year, this year men and brethren, I determined to buy women’s underwear.
(For a woman, my wife, not for me, I mean they are but I’m not gonna wear em)
I did more planning than that old green grinch prior to ruining Christmas. I gathered size intel from my wife’s current stock, I went on-line. I tried to buy on-line, but I couldn’t ship it to my house-that woman would see the package before I did. Google Maps showed me the nearest store. I planned a day she would be at work and a time the local teenage monsters would be in school. I went early, before the store would be busy.
I figure my wife has had four babies, been married to me for over twenty years and still tries to look great every day of her life. The least I could do is to man the heck up and show her that I still think she is sexy, I still love
Her and I’m glad she is my wife.
Not that icky, old ex wife panty model that the crazy hot matrix describes so perfectly. . .
I went to the mall. I went to the store. I got cold feet. Not kidding, I was looking for the right thingy and an elderly Asian woman reached right in front me and snagged something before I worked up the courage to touch it! She did it twice! I swear she was following me! Man I have been to Africa, I have looked Black Death in the eye. I had fun on those days! I’m scared of elephants and will never face one but thats another story. But standing in Vic’s secret I got sweaty palms, my knees shook, my mouth was dry, my hair was turning white in patches. I was chickening out. And then, an ugly girl with at least a dozen facial piercings came to my rescue. Not normal piercing either, the kind that go into the bone, not the cute little nose rings, noooo way, she had one the interfered with her eye being able to blink! She had butch hair with beads twisted into it. She was short, thick and wearing knee high boots over her jeans. She had black leather fingerless gloves on-she was more intimidating than tiny underwear that say “slippery when wet” on them! Then she spoke-“can I help you find something sir?” I responded by blurting out that I was not a creepy old pervert. She smiled-I handed her my phone with the pictures of exactly what I wanted. I told her the sizes I wanted-she led me to a drawer and began stirring around for the right color things in the right sizes. Then another girl asked her to help with a customer that didn’t speak English. “My” salesgirl left and the new girl stepped in. Corn silk hair, blue eyes, tall and lithe, shit, now I was in trouble. She was good, picked up right where mbogo left off. Then it happened. Her baggy sweater that hung off one shoulder dropped much too low exposing her entire bra. Ima gentleman, I stared into space, I pretended I never saw it. “Is this the one sir?” I looked down where she was kneeling. Hard to answer with desert mouth. Umm, I, derrrr, uhhhh-“are you ok sir?” Well, ma’am your sweater has come down and. . . I can see your-
“Oh, that’s th style now. Off the shoulder sweaters but a pretty bra, doesn’t show your cleavage or your boobs, just a cool bra.”
Well I’ll be darned. . . Hers was cream colored with little flowers on it. It was very pretty.
So she found what I was after and suggested a matching pair of silk pajamas-I did like that idea as well as another suggestion she had. I dropped $300 pretty easily, and I didn’t feel like the salesgirl had conned me either. I walked out of there a confident happy man carrying a pink and white sack stuffed with pink tissue paper like a purse! Like a Boss!
Happy Valentienes Day to all and I hope your wives buy you ammo instead of flowers!
...must say never had a problem buying that sort of stuff...probably was looking forward to the fashion show 
....only got tricky when buying for more than one at a time...so not to get sets mixed up....OK so was little bit wild last century....and earlier this one....as far as I will admit to ...
