on a lighter note...

Ty Howard said:

Saw this today and had to snap a pic

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Only in Texas!

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks? "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

observe said:

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Same thing would happen to you in the south Bronx

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass."

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

The old cowboy's shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

One more before I head to the gun club.

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy,but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Seriously??? How lazy do you have to be?

Pheroze said:

Seriously??? How lazy do you have to be?

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About this lazy.

That's just ridiculous

Pheroze said:

Seriously??? How lazy do you have to be?

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This is in Middelburg in SA.

Hogpatrol said:

About this lazy.

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I saw almost that in person once, years ago. Before cell phones had cameras, but I did have a digital cam with me. Alas, I didn't have the time to stop and snag that photo. There was a dead squirrel on the outside of the lane with a white stripe painted on it. I laughed so hard I nearly went into traffic!

ummm.... What? My brain just cramped

Rethinking the line.