The 'little tazer'...

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by fhm3006, Apr 13, 2012.

  1. fhm3006

    fhm3006 AH Enthusiast

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    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right??? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul...) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong...???
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it 租ipshit? reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...:censored:
    . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GAWD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE . . . :censored:!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. . . . A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2012
  2. DOC-404

    DOC-404 AH Elite

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    WAY TOO COOL..!! :cool2:
  3. rino64

    rino64 New Member

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    I assume your from Alabama
  4. fhm3006

    fhm3006 AH Enthusiast

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    No 'rino64' i am not...btw...you know what they say about assumptions:cool:
  5. timbear

    timbear AH Enthusiast

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    Good thing your heart is sound, or you could easily have qualified for the "Darwin Award" (awarded posthumously to individuals who, through acts of almost superhuman stupidity, remove themselves from the gene pool). No offense intended, but you have to admit it was not one of your brighter ideas...
  6. timbear

    timbear AH Enthusiast

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    BTW, these things are of course totally illegal here in Australia. God (and the Greens) forbid that we hurt the poor, misguided lambs that only rob and mug us because they had such a bad childhood! Forget a single round of .22 on your car floor (actually, even an air pistol pellet qualifies!!!), and you can loose your firearms license. But hurt yourself while breaking into someone's home, and you can sue the owner for damages. Should the owner actually dare to defend his home, he will surely be locked up, while the assailant gets free counselling under Medicare for the PTSD he suffered!
  7. fhm3006

    fhm3006 AH Enthusiast

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    Actually this 'little tazer' piece was fwd to me by mail. I have no idea who the poor bastard was in this story. I am scared shi..less of electricity and will probably still do some stupid things in my life but... electrocuting / tazing myself will most definitely not be one of them!!!

    Sound to me you need to get a couple of our guys together and do 'open season' on your politicians....:huntingrifle:
  8. Rohan

    Rohan

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    Geez... Wow! I was always curious and the thought has crossed my mind many times to try it on myself, but thanks for taking one for the team. I am not so curious anymore about what it feels like to be tazed! That sounds awful!

    My sister has a pepperspray/mace canister that im always "curious" about, but not sure if that will be a good idea either...
  9. fhm3006

    fhm3006 AH Enthusiast

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    aaaahhh no man - go ahead and try it on yourself... it is powered by just 2 x itsi-bitsi small batteries....just set up your videocam when you do - and mail us the clip PLEASE !!!!:devious:
  10. Wolverine67

    Wolverine67 AH Fanatic

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    Well you never know before you have tryed it...
  11. Bobpuckett

    Bobpuckett GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Hey fhm3006 your probably immune to the shock now try it on the other side. he he :laughing:
  12. Rohan

    Rohan

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    Uhmmmmm...OK! If you say its only two insy winsy tiny winy batteries then ok I will do it;) Im sure I will be juuust fine. Will get a videocam setup and try it on my left nut ! Sure youtube is gonna love this one ...( and NO, im not serious:D)
  13. Rohan

    Rohan

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    The pepperspary thing I am always dancing around... hehe, cant believe im admitting it in public but I have seriously considered macing myself just to see what its like, but seeing as the thread is in line with such behaviour I can be honest at least here:eek: Will probably never do it but its so tempting, im sure it will be the biggest mistake of my life!!! They call it a "less lethal" form of self-defence, but not a "non-lethal" one LOL! I must have a couple of Johnny Walkers in my system to actually bring myself to spray myself!
  14. BRICKBURN

    BRICKBURN SUPER MODERATOR CONTRIBUTOR GOLD BENEFACTOR AH Ambassador

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    A guy I know was out walking his dogs and as usual the stupid dog comes running back with a bear hot on his tail.
    Not bothering to determine wind direction he let loose with the pepper spray.
    The bear was just fine but he got the full effect himself. Thankfully he had sunglasses on...
    Who's dumber, the dog or the owner?
  15. spike.t

    spike.t GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Rohan as its friday night and presumably you have partaken of the johnny walker, i wait with anticipation to view your self sacrificing video... dedicated to the members of AH !!:barmy:
  16. Rohan

    Rohan

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    Spike, just missed your message last night while I had a few JW's, maybe next time I will taze and mace myself LOL!
  17. spike.t

    spike.t GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Rohan we all wait in great anticipation!!!!!!!!!!!:clap:
  18. 35bore

    35bore AH Elite

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    Rohan, past experience speaking here, have someone else shoot you in ONE eye before doing a full frontal attack on your face with this stuff. Cover one eye and your nose,mouth with your hands then "your buddy" shoots you in the other eye with the mace... This is how we had to "qualify" with mace in order to carry it. I told the sheriff that we didn't have to get shot with our handguns in order to carry them, though amused he still made us get sprayed. It's not bad, but, it effects everyone differently. I have seen big bad ass guys piss themselves when sprayed, and it will make you respect it. Good luck, waiting for the video.:p:wacky:
  19. Rohan

    Rohan

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  20. AkMike

    AkMike AH Fanatic

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    Yeah.. This looks like a lot of fun! (not)

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