Tax return got sent back, go figure.

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by 35bore, Feb 11, 2012.

  1. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question:
    "List all dependents?"
    I replied -
    "12 million illegal immigrants;
    "3 million crack heads;
    "42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
    "2 million people in over 243 prisons;
    "Half of Mexico; and,
    "535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."
    Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
  2. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    A balding, white-haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said, "No, I'd like to see something even more beautiful."

    At that, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

    "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it!"

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man said, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account!"

    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my great weekend!"

    See, not all seniors are senile!
  3. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    God
    said, "Adam, I
    want you to do
    something for
    Me."

    Adam
    said, "Gladly,
    Lord, what do You
    want me to do?"

    God
    said, "Go down
    into that valley."

    Adam said, "What's
    a valley?"

    God explained it to
    him. Then God said,
    "Cross the
    river."

    Adam said, "What's a
    river?"

    God explained that
    to him, and then said,
    "Go over to the
    hill...."

    Adam said, "What is a
    hill?"

    So, God explained to
    Adam what a hill was.
    He told Adam, "On the
    other side of the hill you will find a cave."

    Adam said, 'What's a
    cave?'

    After God explained,
    He said, "In the cave
    you will find a woman."

    Adam said, "What's a
    woman?'

    So God explained that to him, too.
    Then, God said, 'I
    want you to
    reproduce."

    Adam said, "How do
    I do that?"

    God first said (under
    His breath), "Geez....."

    And then,
    just like everything else, God explained that to
    Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down
    into
    the valley,
    across the river, and
    over the hill,
    into the
    cave, and finds the
    woman.

    Then, in
    about five minutes, he was back.

    God,
    His patience
    wearing thin, said
    angrily, "What is
    it now?"

    And Adam said....


    "What's a headache?"
  4. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    This clears up a huge question

    The year was 1947.
    Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 64 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that
    an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard,
    crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

    This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

    Barrack Obama Sr.
    Albert A. Gore, Jr.
    Hillary Rodham
    William J. Clinton
    John F. Kerry
    Howard Dean
    Nancy Pelosi
    Dianne Feinstein
    Charles E. Schumer
    Barbara Boxer
    Joe Biden

    This is the consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

    I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
    It certainly did for me.

    And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
  5. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    DANGEROUS
    SAFER
    SAFEST
    ULTRA SAFE

    What's for
    dinner?
    Can I help you
    with dinner?
    Where would you like
    to go for dinner?
    Here, have some wine.

    Are you
    wearing that?
    You sure
    look good in brown!
    WOW! Look at you!
    Here, have some wine

    What are you
    so worked up about?
    Could we be
    overreacting?
    Here's my paycheck.
    Here, have some wine.

    Should you be
    eating that?
    You know, there are
    a lot of apples left.
    Can I get you a piece
    of chocolate with that?
    Here, have some wine.

    What did you
    DO all day?
    I hope you didn't
    over-do it today.
    I've always loved you
    in that robe!
    Here, have some wine.


    13 Things PMS Stands For:

    1. Pass My Shotgun

    2. Psychotic Mood Shift

    3. Perpetual Munching Spree

    4. Puffy Mid-Section

    5. People Make me Sick

    6. Provide Me with Sweets

    7. Pardon My Sobbing

    8. Pimples May Surface

    9. Pass My Sweat pants

    10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

    11. Plainly; Men Suck ;

    12. Pack My Stuff

    and my favoriteone :

    13. Potential Murder Suspect


    My wife emailed me this one, WOW
  6. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

    The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

    After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

    The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

    When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

    As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

    To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
    It could not be any simpler than that. (Please pass this on)


    Remember, there IS a test coming up. The 2012 elections. Okay, so this one was not a joke, but I found some humor in it.:bulb:


    These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

    1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

    2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

    3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

    4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

    5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.
  7. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2'', strong
    as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in
    the air at 40 paces.

    When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
    working: the West Texas Sheriff''s Department. After a series of tests and
    interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
    into his office for the young man's last interview.

    The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
    far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an
    'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted.
    We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

    Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
    said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

    six illegal aliens,

    six lawyers,

    six meth dealers,

    six Muslim extremists,

    six Democrats,

    and a rabbit."


    "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

    "Great attitude. You pass." said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
  8. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.


    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.


    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
  9. Message

    Message AH Senior Member

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  10. 35bore

    35bore AH Legend

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    A man died and went to heaven.
    As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

    St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

    Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

    'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

    'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

    'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
    St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
    The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

    'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man. 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
  11. Diamondhitch

    Diamondhitch AH Legend

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    LOL what can I say, Pass My Shotgun!!!

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