ROYAL NAVY NEWS...

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by DOC-404, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. DOC-404

    DOC-404 AH Elite

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    The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers .

    Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

    Costing 850 million pounds each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

    The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

    The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

    Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

    The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

    The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

    The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." :biggrin2:
     
  2. adgunner

    adgunner SILVER SUPPORTER AH Enthusiast

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    Doc, LOL, sent that one to my pals in the Navy here ... needless to say i got some derogatory remarks about the Army sent back that i can't post on AH. Sadly alot of it has some truth in it ....
     
  3. spike.t

    spike.t GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    Doc dont get me started on those corrupt, money grabbing , self promoting, thieving, leftwing,:bandit::devious: co-c suck-ng bast-rds, a total bunch of :monkey: that run/work for the eu in brussels!!!!!!!!! or i might get told off for using bad language!!!
     
  4. Jfet

    Jfet AH Veteran

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    Please consider yourself told off for use of bad language.

    Now, please continue expressing yourself. :D
     
  5. spike.t

    spike.t GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    :headscratch: hadnt even started....:heh::redhot::rant::beatingdeadhorse::biggrin2:
     
  6. PHOENIX PHIL

    PHOENIX PHIL AH Legend

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    :rofl: :laughing:
     
  7. Nyati

    Nyati AH Legend

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    Sad, but there is some truth to that story in most european armed forces.

    They are slowly being turned into NGO s
     
  8. Jfet

    Jfet AH Veteran

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    Your response made me smile. Currently I am in an email discussion with a mother of one of our young football players (american football) about why our lifting and running offseason programs have to be so hard. She is having to come to grips with the fact that playing American football requires her son to hit other young men and that other young men are going to hit her son. Its not the first time I have had this discussion nor will it be the last.

    Yes I do want to say this :beatingdeadhorse::punch: and :mad: and :angry mob: but I can't and so thus process of training the mom as well as the son begins. :D
     
  9. bluey

    bluey GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    All the navies of the commonwealth must abide by these same policies
    Thanks for shedding some light, oldman
     
  10. arizona

    arizona SILVER SUPPORTER AH Veteran

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    :thumb::laughing:
     
  11. DOC-404

    DOC-404 AH Elite

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    ..oldman ??!! Remember what I said about giving me any lip, Gramps..
     

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