How Do Courtroom Reporters Keep a Straight Face?

[James.Grage]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[BRICKBURN]

"ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

My favourite!

 

[BWH]

Classic!

 

[Nyati]

 

[Rob404]

Funny Stuff

 

[bluey]

that last one proves the point to me .

 

[CAustin]

Very funny stuff.

 

[ArmyGrunt]

SPEC. TACULAR.

 

[Pheroze]

When you ask questions for a living sometimes the silliest crap comes out! I once asked a question on a deposition and the looks I got were priceless. I turned to the court reporter and asked her if that was the stupidest question she had ever heard. After much laughter we resumed. Thankfully, the entire exchange was omitted from the transcript when I read it later!

 

[bluey]

When you ask questions for a living sometimes the silliest crap comes out! I once asked a question on a deposition and the looks I got were priceless. I turned to the court reporter and asked her if that was the stupidest question she had ever heard. After much laughter we resumed. Thankfully, the entire exchange was omitted from the transcript when I read it later!

you cant say that , then stop right there , pheroze.................

 

[Pheroze]

I shared office space with a lawyer when we were first starting out. He came back from criminal court once completely dejected! He never really told me what happened or what he said but apparently everyone, even the court security staff, was laughing! He has soldiered on to become quite an accomplished criminal lawyer. In defence of my colleagues, our only excuse is that sometimes in the heat of battle the brain searches into the future for important facts whilst leaving the mouth behind to deal with the present. Generally the mouth knows enough to keep the bluff going but sometimes it just can't get the job done. Its at that point that experience tells you that the next 5 minutes will be a lost cause and the best course is to just figure a way to regain the courtroom!

 

[ArmyGrunt]

C'mon, pheroze! We're all interested to find out what was stricken from the record!

this IS the humorous section, after all!

 

[gizmo]

Lol I was testifing on a narcotics case, the defense attorney got in the weeds like that and should have just stopped. None the less he continued and I had a blast making him look like a bafoon. he actually got so mad he broke his pencil and threw his note pad. Needless to say the judge was not impressed with his outburst. I laugh because I've been on the other end when you say something thats either stupid or didn't come out right and I'm here to tell you it can make you feel like a complete idiot.

 

[Pheroze]

C'mon, pheroze! We're all interested to find out what was stricken from the record!

this IS the humorous section, after all!

I don't actually recall. And, in a strange quirk of fate, everyone associated with that case has met with bizzare accidents...

 

[ScottG]

Laughed out loud. Good stuff.