AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED..

Discussion in 'Humorous Jokes, Stories or Pictures' started by DOC-404, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. DOC-404

    DOC-404 AH Elite

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    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then ..said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _____________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    _____________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
    now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

    and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

    ________________________________

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
    as a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.
     
  2. observe

    observe CONTRIBUTOR AH Fanatic

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    :banghead::kt::crazylol:
     
  3. arizona

    arizona SILVER SUPPORTER AH Veteran

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    :clap::clap::clap:
     
  4. gi jane

    gi jane BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Enthusiast

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    Hahaha!!! Good ones!! :beer::beer:
     
  5. Diamondhitch

    Diamondhitch AH Legend

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    the last one is one of my all time favorites!!! LOL
     
  6. Wheels

    Wheels GOLD SUPPORTER AH Elite

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    Doc, great stuff.
     
  7. Nyati

    Nyati AH Legend

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  8. bluey

    bluey GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    fantasic doco
    you crack me up ...
     
  9. Cliffy

    Cliffy AH Elite

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    Why do women wear white at a wedding?-----------The dishwasher has to match the stove and refridge doesn't it?
     
  10. Stan-Elephant Trail

    Stan-Elephant Trail AH Veteran

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    :laughing::laughing:
    :first::first::first:
     
  11. spike.t

    spike.t GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    now cliffy i thought everyone new all kitchen appliances came in white........;)
     
  12. Cliffy

    Cliffy AH Elite

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    Why don't you buy a bride a watch for a wedding present?=========

    All stoves have clocks and if she can't see it she's too far out of the kitchen!
     
  13. bluey

    bluey GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    ooohhhh.
    mrs cliffy is definitely not Australian decendant is she cliffy.
     
  14. Cliffy

    Cliffy AH Elite

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    My beer can is empty and she's still talking--- WHY?
     
  15. bluey

    bluey GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    ha ha ha ha
    down here mate, you would go to bed a rooster and wake up a hen :laughing:
     
  16. gi jane

    gi jane BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Enthusiast

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    Oh crap!! Hahaha!! You guys are cheeky bastards but I love it!
     
  17. gi jane

    gi jane BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Enthusiast

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    Q: Why don't women blink during sex? A: There isn't enough time.

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.





    :dancing:
     
  18. Cliffy

    Cliffy AH Elite

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    OK gi jane GOOD ONE! cough cough


    bluey maybe you guys down there are hens to begin with :)
     
  19. bluey

    bluey GOLD SUPPORTER AH Legend

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    theres not to many male hens down here mate, we just treat our girls like ladies
     
  20. gi jane

    gi jane BRONZE SUPPORTER AH Enthusiast

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    Turn your head to the side and cough please sir... :)

    Pow!! Bluey!! Oooohh! You guys kill me!!! Priceless Cliffy!


    :sting::sting::sting:
     

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