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well how do you start a tale like this..... from the onset of this adventure , I'd had nothing but trouble infact two days before I flew out , I said if someone gave me the money that I've thrown at this trip, I'd walk away ......... I wanted to hunt a croc with bow , and buggered if l could...

SIMPLETRUTH # 1 Lovers help each otherundress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Simple Truth, In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH #2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats." But, none of...

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, Mayday!! The...

gday fellas , has anyone taken firearms and archery equipement through dubia im looking at flights to Lusaka from Melbourne . and emirate seems the cheapest and most direct route looks like l can fly from Melbourne to dubia then straight on to Lusaka. instead of Melbourne to Sydney . Sydney to...

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the...

Fishing The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Poor old...

OLD FARTS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------------------ From: Subject: FW: Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office Subject: Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office...

gday fellas . im after one of them thingy ma giggers that you can screw to a tree while your in a stand , and you can swivel the camera on them . to assist in filming your own hunts . not even real sure what they are called , and don't have a clue where to start looking . any help will be...

When Jane Met Tarzan When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had Sex ... "Tarzan not know Sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what Sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of...

Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance. Out of respect and propriety...

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant."You bloody idiot" exclaims the...

on the 17th of july, me and my better half , jumped on a couple of planes and ended up in j/burg to do what we cancelled last year . we were supposed to do a pakage hunt with a couple of extras, with roy wormald of wormald hunting adventures this time 12 months ago, but due to things we didn't...

Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the footy.... Who shall I say is calling?"

A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep,the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, And he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her...

after waiting and planning for a while may 28 finally arrived. brought the boat home in the middle of the night, tied the ole girl up three quarts full of fish. shut the main engine down and didn't look back............flew up the hill to home, woke the wife. my little wog mate denial was...

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old...

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his...

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in...

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'Whoops' and prays that a sales...

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year, And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Barbara always replied, "I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy bucks, and seventy bucks is seventy bucks!" One year later...

Today's word is......."Fluctuations" >> ------------------- I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . .. She asked the...

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke The third worm was put into...

The Latrine Holding Tank Is Full (Thule Greenland) A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message...

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She's fat! The mother bent down and whispered in...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' "Hello ?" 'Is your daddy home?' ' Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' 樽ay I...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed...

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with...

thank you so kindly bobby , there was a box of goodies in the mail yesterday mate. the sd card will be getting looked at this morning ,cant wait . thank you again for taking the time to take lots of photos and video of the event at dsc, and the members dinner ,mate . im definitely going to get...

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.............. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving...

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse...

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. NORTON HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you > can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been > in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in > Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven...

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" ATT00055 THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES." "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS...

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The...

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks. On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield. 'Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?' he asked the tattooist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed...

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He...

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him? æ·»ou know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with...

Yesterday Docs daughter e-mailed him again asking why he didn't do something useful with his time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking jagermeister is not a good thing. Talking about Doc "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking...

A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne". "What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added. "It is a special day for me...I'm celebrating". It is a special day...

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand. Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love...

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. Amen!" Along with...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Gladstone with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen...

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other...