"Children are smarter than us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
What's a library? Is that like a big kindle?
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now!
Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go... others cause happiness whenever they go.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it's warmth.
I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness"
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Separate names with a comma.