Free Hunt for One Hunter & One Observer from Lianga Safaris for 2016

"Children are smarter than us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his out and onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!"

LivingTheDream said:

See that is my problem, I ordered a ton of sitka gear when all I needed was my PJs. Nice deer!!!

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Hello Kitty PJ's to boot!

Silence said:

A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

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That's funny now

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

A husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

He Thought He Got Away With Cheating On His Wife. Then He Got THIS In The Mail And Passed Out

There are way too many stories about infidelity these days, especially in the wake of the Ashley Madison email dump. It seems like nobody these days can cheat and get away with it – but that’s a good thing, cheaters are scumbags.

The following story features a king among jerks, a man who cheated on his wife with an Italian woman. It went on for years and years until she got pregnant and he asked her to leave. What happened next is absolutely hilarious (to everyone except the husband, but who cares about him).

One day his mistress came and told him she was pregnant. Obviously the husband didn’t want to ruin his actual marriage, so he decided to pay the Italian woman off and ship her back to Italy.

She readily agreed to the large sum of money, but just wanted to know how she was going to tell him that the baby was born. He told her to send a simple post-card with one word: spaghetti.

9 months later, his wife confronted him after a long day of work about a strange postcard he received in the mail. After he saw what it said, her husband fainted immediately, falling to the ground.

It read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.”

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

A recent study has found that women who get more sleep have better sex lives. The report has come under suspicion after it was revealed that Bill Cosby was the lead researcher.

This is my proud hubby funny story:

My dad decided to get rid of the old .303 British. Seeing that my wife and I are both hunters, he offered me the weapon first before offering it to my brother. Knowing the weapon was stored for quite some time, without cleaning (probably in excess of 15 years), I thought that I will give it a trial run before I begin the license application. No use having a gun that can shoot, right?

Seeing that he lives in Naboomspruit, a good 200km from Johannesburg, I phoned around to get a local (Naboomspruit/Nylstroom) shooting range so make things easier. I arranged access to the range with the range owner as well as the chairman of the local shooting club. Very friendly, he said: "No problem, he will meet us there the Saturday". We collect my dad and off to the range we go. Seeing that my dad likes shiny things, we also thought it would be a great opportunity for him to pull a shot or two with my wife's rifle.

Arriving at the range, we meet the friendly range owner and he designated us a spot on the range. I said first we would like to do 100m and then if its OK, we'd like to move to the 300m range to fire a couple of shots at that distance as well. He said, "No problem, but he is shooting match the following Saturday so he would like to practice with his LH .270 as well. If we don't mind waiting, he would like to finish on the 100m range before we move back to 300m (safety reasons obviously)". So we said "Sure".

So the unpacking of the rifles commences. The wife starts setting up a front rest and then removes her rifle from the bag. Immediately when her rifle came out, the range owner's eyes pop and he developed an immediate twitch. Abandoning his post, he briskly walks over to us and immediately asks my wife, "Listen lady, you do know basic range safety?". My wife being a bit strong minded and not appreciating his insinuation, just said, "I've fired a few of shots". I just shrugged, which caused even more irritation and foreboding on his part. After giving us another once over, he stomped off back to his rifle. Once we were all set up, the range was closed. After the "insult", my wife said she wanted to go first with her rifle, and I just said, "Why not?".

The man's first shot rang out, hitting a little high and to the right. Then my wife gently squeezed her trigger and the report of her rifle made him immediately sit up straight. He looked over at us and then got back to the task at hand. He fired another shot, high and to the right... again. Then my wife squeezed off another round. I looked over to him as he adjusts his spotting scope to look at my wife's target. The two intersecting holes almost centre inside the bull was probably what caused him to immediately start putting away his gear. My wife then shot her third round, in the bull again. By then his kit was packed away and he walked over to us.

He waited for my wife to remove the ear protection and said, "Listen miss, what are you shooting with?", to which my wife casually replied, "This is a .300H&H Magnum. My dad had it custom built for my 25th birthday". He then asked where we were from and if she wouldn't consider joining their club as they need more women shooters, especially with heavier calibres. I had to fight very hard to keep a straight face. Needless to say, as we are Joburgers, she had to decline his kind offer to join their club.

Not sure what he was thinking she was going to shoot with, but based on his reaction to the report of her first shot, made it clear it wasn't a hot loaded Magnum.

Below: Wife with 300H&H Magnum, Oryx and guide!

So Johnny arrives late at school one morning. His teacher asks: "Why are you so late?"
Johnny replied, "Miss, its like this. My dad likes to sleep in the nude. So last night there was a commotion at the chicken coup. My dad grabbed his shotgun and his gown and out the door he went. He started stalking hands and knees towards the coup, thinking that a fox might have got into the coup again. Miss, in the meantime the dog also woke up and was tailing behind my dad. My dad then stopped and took aim towards the chicken coup, straining to see, but he couldn't see anything. Miss, and you know that a dog's nose is wet and cold. So while my dad stopped, the dog didn't and then the shot rang out".
The teacher then asked, "So you are late becuase you had to clean the chickens?"
To which Johnny replied, "No miss, we had to clean the dog".

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

A burglar is sneaking around the living room of the house he’s just broken into when he suddenly hears a voice saying “Beware, Jesus is watching you.” He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight to direction the voice and sees a parrot. The bird repeats “Beware, Jesus is watching you.” The burglar walks up to the parrot and asks “And what may your name be?” The parrot answers “Bobo.” The burglar snickers and says “I think that is a silly name for a parrot.” The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Rottweiler.”

Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said "Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike."

"Oh" said Mrs Green "That could NOT have been my dog"

"Oh, why not?" replied her neighbor "I’m pretty sure it was her"

"Well" stated Mrs. Green smiling "my dog doesn’t ride a bike"

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S

hocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"